The Ultimate Fruit Tier List

Fruit is a dietary staple, even though we don’t always realize it. Finished breakfast? Have an apple. Sweating on a hot summer day? Dive into a crisp, cold watermelon. Suffering from a terrible case of scurvy after being abducted by a one-eyed pirate and not eating for weeks, only to find out you were NOT stranded in the middle of a desert island but merely trapped inside an abandoned amusement park in Florida, and the one-eyed pirate was actually just a crackhead trying to make an honest buck by kidnapping you for a ransom? An orange might help!

But with great power comes a great amount of self-proclaimed “fruit connoisseurs”, ranking fruits in ways that might offend some of the other fruits by not giving them a fair chance at a top spot. That brown banana nobody wants to eat didn’t choose to be a mid fruit, it was born that way. Lucky for it, my self-proclaimed “scientifically correct” fruit ranking method is here to fact-check the haters. So without further ado, let’s uncover the ultimate fruit.

The #1 spot goes to…

Nothing and no one. Fruit does not have feelings, and even if it did – who cares about its feelings? It’s food. We eat it. It’s done. That disgusting, foul, brown banana sitting on the counter can sit there for all eternity for all I care. It’s a disgrace to its family tree (get it?) and has to sit and think about what it has done.

And coming in at a soft #2…

… is the ultimate fruit, everyone’s beloved tomato! Yum!

I hope you learned a thing or two from my 100% accurate, scientifically backed, painstaking hours of research. Stay tuned for next time, where we may or may not dive into the psychology behind eating cold cans of beans.